why does he do that?
- madi
- Nov 5, 2019
- 8 min read
Updated: Mar 24, 2020
why does he hurt me? why does he apologize the next day with the expectation that i will just forgive & forget? why does he call me names? why does he put his hands on me? why am i still in love with him? why do i feel like this is my fault? should i just forgive him? should i try to forget? how do i get myself out of this?
disclaimer. this post may be triggering to those who have experienced domestic violence.
domestic violence is a real thing. not only is it real. it's unsettlingly common. no form of abuse is okay. if you or someone you know is in a situation like this - reach out for help. contact law enforcement. contact a women's resource center near you. reach out to a trusted family member or friend. all of these people can give you the strength you need to get out of the situation you're in. you have to search for that inner courage that i know you have deep inside of you.
you are brave. you are strong. you deserve so much more than this.
i know what you're thinking, "what does she know anyway?" and while i am no expert. i can give you advice that i wish i would have known when i found myself in a severely abusive relationship with somebody so charming, so manipulative, so handsome that when the truth came to light after so long, nobody ever saw it coming.
well nobody except my mom. but moms know everything without you ever saying a word to them, let's be real. they have eyes on the back of their head.
" i believe that you can be strong. i believe you can be brave. and i love you for you. and mostly you are sweet. " - my little sister, age 9
if you follow me on social media, you've already seen this or maybe you haven't. these are the words written on a whiteboard in my house by my little sister, after she realized i was in an abusive relationship.
you guys. she's nine.
words are powerful. my little sister was actually part of the inspiration for me starting this website and blog. i realized,
1. i'm teaching her to be resilient. obviously, based on the words of encouragement she is passing to me. and
2. i have a voice. i have a voice that needs to be heard. okay, okay i'm not going to get all martin luther king on you.
but seriously.
there is truth in my story. my story deserves to be heard. because i've chosen to turn my struggle into a piece of my story. it's not going to rule my book, but there is definitely a designated chapter in the book of my life. i'm sharing my story for no reason other than the conversation of domestic violence needs to be talked about. i'm choosing to open this discussion in hopes of inspiring and helping others that may be going through the same thing.
so. here we go.
here's an excerpt of the statement i wrote for the court to be used in the case against the man i loved so dearly, that hurt me so badly.
"it is never okay to put your hands on a person. the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that i have been suffering from over the course of the last year is not okay. it has effected me in ways that i cannot even comprehend. there is something to be said for someone hurting so badly that they feel the need to hurt the people they love.
i have been built up and completely torn down with hurtful words repeatedly. i have been pushed and shoved and pinned to the ground to where i cannot breathe. all by the hands of somebody that i love and i believed loved me.
this isn’t how you treat people that you love.
i have been head butted on my forehead to the point that i have had purple and blue and yellow bruises.
i chose not to document these bruises because i truly felt that this would no longer continue. i chose to cover them up out of the love i had for him. i chose not to talk about the incidents that have happened with anyone. especially with law enforcement because i feared that it would make them continue.
they continued anyways.
i feared for what he could do to himself, but more so what he could do to me. i did tell him that if it ever happened again, that i was done.
it could not ever happen again. i was promised it would never happen again.
i reached a breaking point.
i knew i could no longer continue a relationship that is unhealthy for both of us. he has put his hands on me for the last time.
this is when i decided enough was enough.
i have no idea what the outcome would have been had i not finally reported this repeated abuse and the concerns i have for his wellbeing, but also mine.
seeing somebody that you love and care about hold a loaded shot gun with the safety off up to their face is an image i will never be able to erase from my memory and it is something that should never ever happen."
who knows where my life could have ended up had i not called 911 that night. i can't guarantee that i would have lived to write this blog.
the amount of not only physical abuse, but mental and emotional abuse that i endured was indescribable. have you ever been told you are the most beautiful thing in the world? only to be told that he wouldn't even want to touch you with a 9 foot pole. have you ever shared your insecurities with someone? just to have them laugh in your face exploiting those same insecurities. have you ever been straight up spit on? have you ever been so controlled by someone in your life that you become depressed? so depressed that you don't have the energy to get out of bed for 3 days straight. so depressed that you let the dishes in your kitchen and all over your house for that matter pile up. they pile up so high that they start to accumulate mold. and now your house smells so bad that it makes you want to barf, but you're so depressed you don't have the energy to do anything about it. because you're living in an actual hell. so depressed that not only are there moldy dishes all over your house, there's also cardboard and garbage everywhere. so depressed that you stop taking care of your dog the way that she needs and deserves. because you're so fucking depressed you can't even take care of yourself. so depressed and controlled that you stop showering. you're lucky if you shower once or twice a month. so depressed that the only thing that got you through the days was that friday [your monday] was coming soon. which meant you felt like a normal human again for a short while because that was the only time you could escape for a few hours during the day. that was the only time you could semi put yourself together. by put yourself together, i mean put a little bit of makeup on, throw your hair up, throw a headband on to make sure nobody notices the yellow and blue and purple marks that can't be covered by just makeup, and wear the same dirty clothes you wore to work last week. and the week before that. because all while you were so depressed, you gained 60lbs, and now none of your clothes really fit you. and you have to dress to hide the bruises and the weight. so depressed that you look at yourself in the mirror, and you don't even recognize the reflection looking back at you. so much so that you stare at that girl in the mirror, with the giant bruise across her forehead and the bruises all over her arms and wrists, that are covered by the tattoos that make up her arms. and you just bawl your eyes out. who is that girl? that couldn't possibly be you. wondering if this is real life. wondering how you got yourself here. wishing you had the courage to take a picture of your bruises. because you know, deep down, that you're going to get yourself out of this. you just don't know how.
sometimes the pain of how i felt in that time brings me to my knees. sometimes i feel grateful, because this pain has brought me immense growth. it's okay to cry.
it's okay to let your emotions out, you have to feel all the feels. but you also have to find the strength and courage to pick yourself up again. somedays easier said than done.
the reality of this situation is that it's all too common. there are so many women [men too] that find themselves in this type of relationship and never have the courage to get themselves out of it.
let me give you some statistics here. (if you click on the facts, you'll be directed to a website where you can read more.)
does that put it into perspective? this cannot keep happening. we as a whole, need to break down the barrier on opening the conversation about domestic violence.
not everyone is lucky enough to get away. i can tell you first hand how scary it is to even have the courage to call the cops. to sit and second guess yourself. to sit and wonder why you put yourself in a situation like that for so long. to sit and question why you stayed for so long. to sit and ask yourself all those questions i wrote in the beginning of this post.
if you are in this type of a situation, or have been, know that you aren't alone. you don't have to live as a victim. you can make a difference. talking is the first step. you have a voice. you have a story to tell. break the silence. you are more than enough. you deserve so much more than this. you deserve to have anything you want. you deserve to have the opportunity to achieve your goals and dreams. that's not possible if you can't move forward. let your struggles be the fire inside that motivates you. don't let your struggles debilitate you. stand tall. fix your crown. hold your head high.
i know i keep making it sound like you have to have this inner strength and you have to do it yourself. while you do have to be strong enough initially to decide when enough is enough. i wouldn't be where i'm at today without the tribe of support i have lifting me up. they know who they are. if you don't have a tribe of support backing you up, know that i'm supporting you and standing next to you in spirit.
look up child. [seriously it's a song by lauren daigle and you to need to hear it].
find your anthem and sing it from the rooftops.
my personal anthem is girl, by maren morris.
maybe you know someone who is in this type of situation. [this is going to be a whole other blog post] reach out to them when you see them in passing. make them feel seen. establish trust with them. they will come around. trust me. when they do, you need to be prepared to listen. respect them. let them know that they have you to support them. help give them the strength to walk away.
this is the first of many blog posts related to domestic violence and speaking out on the subject. i just felt a pull to speak my truth and break the silence.
and to those of you who have or are currently walking this path, seeking justice through the court system, or seeking your escape:
you got this girl. you're doin the damn thing.
don't give up. i know this is hard.
i believe in you. i see you. i hear you. i'm rooting for you.
for those who are local to kodiak, click here or there kodiak women's resource and crisis center to be directed to their website. there is an amazing group of women there ready and willing to help in any way possible.
if you're wondering - everything there is completely confidential.
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